Posts Tagged ‘film’

Twelve Rules for Making a Hollywood Movie

September 6, 2018

Dear Reader, This week let’s have some fun with Hollywood!

TWELVE RULES FOR MAKING A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE

1. Vocal coaches must instruct all actors to whisper or scream all lines, ‘… like they do in real life!’

2. Aging male stars must date starlets.

3. Films must fit one of three formats:

Kids = cartoon movies
Women = love stories with a wedding at the end.
Men = action heroes with lots of special effects.

4. Must spend over 50 million to advertise film – this stuff won’t sell itself!

5. There must be conflict. If the character buys a loaf of bread the clerk, a total stranger, has to scowl, hassle, and oppose him at every turn, ’cause that’s reality!

6. Keep the following out of your film, seniors, children, teens, people of color, happily married couples, and women in leadership positions; unless they are plot points; but even then, never dwell on them!

7. All characters must come from broken homes like the screenwriters do!

8. Movie posters must be cluttered with a list all thousand of the executive producers, regular producers, directors, etc. to emphasize the personal vision of the writer.

9. Dumb down everything except for a single plot point surprise at the end.

10. Bystanders must never get involved and have to act like frozen props! Make sure that minor characters act exceptionally stubborn and stupid to move the plot along!

11. Originality is extremely important – specially in sequels, and remakes.

12. Theater employees that sell the tickets and popcorn, must continue to get the lowest wages and benefits allowed by law. Though Hollywood walks the red carpet, theater workers must be swept under it!

Tom Hendricks
(editor of the 25 year old zine Musea)

MAIN Website
http://tomhendricks.us/

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